Happy 'just enough' Spring.

Yesterday marked the spring equinox and we barely even had a winter! I know that I've been absent from my blog lately... so here are just a couple of things I've been thinking about and learning:

1.  I took another one of Christa's Franklin method classes--this time it was about the jaw and neck. I always learn so much from her about how my body works and can apply it directly to my yoga teaching. I had a crazy knot in my shoulder that went away the morning after taking her class.  Awesome.

But the pivotal breakthough I had wasn't even about my anatomy--
it was the idea of using 'just enough effort' in everything I do. This has always made complete sense to me with my body--economy of movement. You don't want to expend any extra energy by clenching your fists while you run or your jaw while you flow through a vinyasa yoga class, right?

I've always had it set in my head (from years of everyone telling me that trying hard is what matters), that if I try hard enough, I can do it.

First of all... that's just not true. But because it usually worked for me it led me to believe that trying even harder must be better. This really killed me with teaching at a charter school because I could ALWAYS work harder. I could always be BETTER, right? When really... I just need to be 'good enough' for what I want to achieve-- which might be different from day to day.  And relaxing-- rather than always pushing to be better will allow me to be 'better' anyway-- same with parenting.
Expending 'just enough' energy makes more sense.

2.  I'm on a new path for healing. I have been dealing with horrible allergies since I was eight years old. Insomnia and stress would flare up throughout the years depending on my life circumstances. For the past 6 years I've been getting worse with the allergies and insomnia. I attributed it first to my job, and then to the death of my mom, new baby, etc... But there's always something and even though I've tried every nutritional plan, supplement and holistic therapy possible, I can't seem to get better. I reached a breaking point.
I found this article and the doctor that wrote it. I'm going to get a hair test for heavy metals and it will probably show that I am toxic. Her plan is more affordable than anything else I've ever done and it makes so much sense. The catch is that it could take a couple of years to heal my adrenals (and in that process let go of the heavy metals). Yikes. But completely worth it if I can feel like myself again... I've been feeling rather hopeless about it lately...

Just one more thing...
3. Speaking of heavy metals, I really love Desi's recipe for natural deodorant. I've always known that most make-up is not made of good stuff, but it really hit home when I received the county's trash instructions and they had cosmetics on the "toxic, not to be thrown out with the normal trash" list. Yikes! So, I'm on a search for natural beauty products that work well.

 If you have any recipes or recommendations please let me know...

Thanks for listening... sorry so long!
xo

Please send your love, strength & prayers

Here is my amazingly strong & beautiful cousin and her husband of almost 24 years (look how in love they are!). This photo was taken 10 days before he was diagnosed with a stage IV glioblastoma (a.k.a.:a brain tumor).

It's been a year and a half that he's been fighting back. Chemo, radiation, 2 surgeries, alternative therapies, nutritional therapy, he's done it all.... and now he's on hospice. They have two boys--ages 13 and 7. I was 13 when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer-- it's such a mixed-up, tender age.

Sometimes it's so hard to make sense of life & suffering, isn't it?

Would you mind sending some love & strength their way?

xo

Winter views & blues

Winter has been almost nonexistent around here. Last year  (our first winter living back up in the mountains) was a crazy (HUGE) snow year with powder day after powder day that I missed while caring for newborn Bodhi. I didn't mind a bit-- I was too busy (and sleep deprived) to even think about i.

This season I bought some new ski gear and was eager  to get out there. Alas, the weather gods didn't cooperate. I still try to make it up to the mountain once a week to enjoy some solitude and silence on the slopes. (Even if it's only for a couple of runs!) 

These are some of the Intagram photos I've been taking (@colleentara).

Can't you just hear the silence?

Lately....I'm exhausted most of the time from lack of sleep (yes, little B is still up 2+ times a night!) and I've been feeling extra emotional about family members battling cancer. I think part of the blues I'm feeling is hormonal. But I'm also like a a fine-tuned antenna-- picking up energy from people and situations around me constantly. I have to find a consistent way to release some of it instead of absorbing it all like a saturated sponge. I feel things deeply, and I'm grateful for that sensitivity... but sometimes it can be overwhelming.

In fact, I think I'll head up to ski tomorrow and let the tall trees absorb it for me.

Burning Question: What's one dumb thing you used to believe?

"The Burning question" is an interactive exercise that Danielle (of White Hot Truth) started. She creates a weekly question, answers it, and then invites you to do the same.
Here's this week's edition:
What's one dumb thing you used to believe?

One dumb thing that I used to believe is that my self-worth is judged by what I achieve and (more importantly) how those achievements are perceived by other people.

Actually, I still have a hard time letting go of this even as I write it. It is a well worn brain path: that if I can prove to OTHERS that I am actually worthy of their admiration then I will become worthy of their admiration. There, I said it. Out loud. I catch myself with this all of the time; I think: I can change what people think about me by doing something to make them think differently of me. If I just prove to them that I am good at This. That or The other thing, then they will certainly see that I am worthy of their love.

*Sigh.*
So sad. Poor little 7-year-old Colleen trying to prove to her mom that she really is a good girl and not as difficult as she comes across....

I've let this go (and certainly forgive my mom) but it's a tough one. I spent many years being successful at convincing people that I am worthy. I became convinced that my self- worth was tied in to these successes. Newsflash: if you have success with your flawed thinking it may take longer to see that your thinking is flawed! Fortunately, I am such a crazy-sensitive being with a heavy dose of intuition that my inner struggle was apparent early on.

Now I can laugh at it and be grateful that I am aware.

I do love this journey called life. And thankfully,  I learned that love of life from my mom.  I wish I could cuddle up with her right now.

How about you? what's one dumb thing you used to believe?

Love Fest

I know, Valentine's Day is over and done with, but I was holding out  until I could find time to take photos of my raw cacao yummy Valentine's treats. Guess what? We ate them all. That gives me an excuse to make more next week so that I can post the recipes. (They're decadent & healthy, I swear!).

Finn's abstract hearts. He loves to mix colors!

I've always thought V day was a bit of a joke, but now that I have two little ones around, I LOVE it. Seriously. How fun is it to talk about love? And I'm also serious about how much I  love making hearts and valentine's. And now I love origami too. Check out those sweet love boats! I followed a video to make the boat with two sails and I kept laughing...thinking about that Little Caesar's commercial from when I was a kid: "..A Pterodactyl!" Anyone remember?

J made the one on the right for me. Finn made the little heart stamps with a toilet paper roll 
dipped in paint. We went nuts with the Target dollar bin alphabet stickers for all of
his little preschool buddies.

More Love: We are having a good week over here in boy land. Finn has been loving his brother more than not, which is a bonus for everyone. There have been so many adorable brother hugs, but I can't seem to pull out my camera to catch one in time.

 

And Bobolicious is just delicious. The sweatshirt in the photo below cracks me up (a gift from Desi when Finn was a babe). I never dress B in it because I feel too badly, but Jason put him in it the other day. These boys fight over my lap space and I usually have the little one attached to my breast while the big one twirls my hair in the morning. Of course it is so sweet and precious if they're not pushing each other and whining....And if I'm finding enough time for my own personal space! Hell, I'm not complaining. 

There's lots of love going around. 

I hope you're feeling some love these days too.

P.S. Here's the commercial... Enjoy! xo

Burning Question: How do you want it all to feel?

From the archives... with Desi.

"The Burning question" is an interactive exercise that Danielle (of White Hot Truth) started. She creates a question, answers it, and then invites you to do the same.

The first one:  How do you want it all to feel?  was so much fun to do. In her words:
"Feelings are magnetic. So it goes that if you generate certain feelings — and you have the power to create any feeling you desire — then you increase the power of your emotional magnetism. But we need to limber up, loosen the images and adjectives encrusted on our goals and most-desired states. It helps to get poetic, lyrical, and abstract. Go there with me."
  
Here it goes: 

I want my home to feel like cinnamon and hot chocolate in a Morrocan patterned teacup with a hint of cayenne.
I want my friendships to feel like eating watermelon and spitting out the seeds or like riding a bike downhill with the wind blowing through my hair.
I want kissing to feel like music.
I want my day to feel like walking through a shop of curiosities and taking all the time I want.
I want my body to feel like a ninja with soft skin.
I want my nervous system to feel like soaking in a hot spring in the winter desert at sunrise.
I want my money making to feel like an ocean view and lying on warm sand.
I want my success to feel like a fantastic piece of art and dancing with my kids to a favorite song.
I want my bed to feel like post- massage or yoga bliss
I want parenting to feel like hiking a winding mountain trail in springtime.
I want my laughter to feel like a cup of ginger tea with honey and lemon.
I want my love to feel like a tall tree bursting with color and swaying in the breeze.
I want my smile to feel like a sparkling string of lights at night.
I want my neighborhood to feel like a potluck dinner and a busy, funky cafe.
I want my challenges to feel like climbing trees.
I want my ideas to feel like a baby with rosy cheeks, bright eyes and a cute, round bottom or like cutting open a perfect avocado and scooping out the deliciousness.
I want my teaching to feel like jumping in the ocean for a swim or like finding a fresh mountain spring.
I want the end of my day to feel like lying under a tree and looking up at the breathing crown of leaves.

 Wanna do it too? Include a couple of your desired states in the comments if you'd like. I'd love to hear what you want.
Here's to a beautiful day...

--Colleen

What you practice is what you have. (a declaration of liberation)

 I finally decided that enough was enough. I will not postpone happiness until life is less stressful.  Anxiety will no longer  trump my peace card.

I am finished focusing on 'self improvement' and giving power to the critical voices in my head. Trying to be 'better' at EVERYTHING is exhausting. It doesn't work. It's not like I'll reach a certain point and finally satisfy the voice that tells me "You can do BETTER!" Because there is always somewhere to go.

Instead, I will practice feeling like I have already arrived at 'Better'. Instead of practicing being self-critical and overwhelmed, I will practice letting those thoughts pass by and directing my attention to my body, to what is happening in the moment.

These trees remind me to stop.

I picked up another book of Cheri Huber's: What You Practice is What You Have, in the same week as Desi directed me to Danielle LaPorte's website: White Hot Truth. The similarities between the messages of these two teachers (one a Zen monk and the other an inspiring entrepreneurial coach) was synchronistic for me.

They are saying the same thing:

"Self improvement infers there’s something wrong with you, so you’re already starting off with a disadvantage.
Of course there’s something to improve — always will be, life is an evolutionary equation. But liberation is about consciously choosing your perspectives, moment to moment, so let’s choose viewpoints that are advantageous and give us warm fuzzy, encouraging feelings."
--Danielle LaPorte, "Why Self Improvement Makes You Neurotic", White Hot Truth

I am all for liberation. In fact, I am practicing liberation right now.

What are you practicing?