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What do you want me to do? that was the text from Jason (the man who married me) me this afternoon after he received two desperate texts from me: 1.So tired and no break! I need sleep. and 2. I'm not joking. I'm going to lose it.
Background:
I'd just been woken up from a 10 minute half-slumber by the baby who also woke me up 4 or 5 times last night (and has been for the past 11 months) nursing and gnawing on me like a little rat, scratching me with his nails as he switches sides. Ouch. I'd just settled the 3 year old down for a nap after 6 hours of strife over everything possible--most importantly, the fact that he does not want the baby touching ANYTHING at all in the house, because Finn has it arranged in a very important manner and it must not be disturbed. Ever. Again.
What happened? Why two days of complete hell? What changed?
As usual (this happens every few weeks) I wonder, maybe I'm really not cut out for this parenting thing. And then I go and read some "mothering" forums about 3 year olds, commiserate and feel better.
The baby refuses to be put down, so I get out the baby carrier and slide him into the backpack. That's when he promptly pees down my back and I send the desperate texts. (note: I didn't even change out of the shirt for another hour or so--that's how bad it was.)
Reading Jasona's text, I realize that I did it to him again. I sent him a 'venting' text. He doesn't even like it when I vent in person or on the phone. He gets all 'male' on me and thinks, Why are you telling me this? Don't tell me unless there's something I can do to fix it.
Why do I send him a text like that? What do I want him to do?
1. Stop time and let me sleep for a couple of weeks.
2. Stop time and let me go to a tropical island where I can lie on a hammock at the beach and sleep.
(note: the 'stopping time' element is key here. I fantasize about it all the time. I don't really want to leave my nursing baby without mama for a couple of weeks, I just want to freeze time and let myself escape.)
3. Grant me daily massages and trips to the sauna.
4. Just listen to me.
5. Get home in time for me to take a shower before teaching yoga?
(I only texted #5)
Happy sleeping.
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I so know that desperate, miserable feeling of being beyond sleep-deprived and also isolated and frustrated and "not cut out for this motherhood thing." I swear I say those words to myself way too often..... And I resent hearing from those mothers whose babies sleep so well and seem chipper and light and all "I'm going to music class and the park and then to a mom's meet up, why aren't you?" And I too vent to my husband (which he despises). I think I do it because I want acknowledgement that what I am doing is hard, hard, HARD. But that's not what most men are cut out to do. They want action and change. Hmmm...guess this isn't helping. Think I'll stop now. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI sometimes miss the newborn-nursing-snuggling phase. I never miss the sleep deprivation. (or being peed on.)
ReplyDeleteyou can text me. i will attempt to stop time for you. i don't know if it's possible, but i will will it to be so. i don't have the baby part, but i know when i vent i want to be heard. i want someone to tell me it's ok that i'm pissed, tired, frustrated, losing it, hating it, and so on. that's a huge reason why i lost it a couple of days ago i wasn't feeling validated. which is a hard one because it's not really up to anyone to make you feel better. it's great when it happens, but for me it adds to the frustration of whatever is happening when i add that feeling to the equation. the added pressure of wanting to be a great momma has got to be tough.
ReplyDeletewith that said you are totally cut out for it and you are doing a fantastic job. those boys (jasona included) love you to pieces and are just perfect in every way.