Laugh out loud

I'm taking suggestions, dear readers. I know that most blogs give out recommendations, but I'm reverse blogging and here to collect your wisdom.

Here's the deal: with adrenal burnout I can only watch, listen to or read funny things. Seriously!

Anything with suspense, sadness, violence, etc... shoots up my cortisol levels and my adrenals can't handle it. Intense dreams, insomnia, heart palpitations--I'm a basket case*. Ridiculous, I know, but it is what it is.

As long as I can remember I've been a sensitive type (with a special talent for turning red or crying in the most inopportune situations). Regardless, I've always loved dramas, painfully real (or fatastically unreal) films, even some violence (of the Kill Bill type), action,  you name it, if it is written well, I probably loved it.

But now is the time in my life for comedy.

Here are some parameters for your suggestion: I only have a computer-- no TV-- but I can watch shows on hulu or netflix (or rent dvds). I already watch a few shows such as The Office, New Girl, Parks & Recreation, The Daily Show and Colbert Report... SNL clips, Louis CK. I'll also listen to podcasts.

I need more! especially books-- the books don't have to be pure comedy (although I love David Sedaris). I did mostly ok with the Ya Ya Sisterhood recently (but had to put it down for a while when it got intense and had nightmares all night--crazy).

I'm a voracious reader,  so load me up, please!

*my mom's phrase-- often used to describe me as a child-- what does that even mean?

Know what you're eating: Yes on '37' not just for Californians

Fortunately I've been able to avoid the majority of ridiculous campaign ads this voting season. However, about a month ago the ads began to show up on Hulu.com and I was horrified as I watched the blatant lies told in the 'No on 37' ads for California.

Even if you're not a voter from Cali this proposition is landmark. A 'yes' on 37 means that food with genetically modified (GM) ingredients will be labeled. That's it.  It's not proposing any sort of ban on GM foods. Proposition 37 is landmark because it puts the power of information and choice in the hands of the consumer.

61 countries already require GM labels on their foods! The EU has been labeling since 1997 and the UK since 1999. Monsanto (major producer of GM seeds and herbicides) actually supported the labeling of GM foods and the consumer's 'right to know' in the UK during the 90s.

Yet when it comes to the labeling of GM foods in California, Monsanto has contributed $8.1 million to the 'no' campaign. DuPont has contributed $5.4 million. $1 million/day has been spent on 'no' ads in the last month.

Lies and misrepresentations abound in the ads-- everything from stating that research on cost increase due to labeling was conducted by a Stanford scientist to untruths about incentives for lawsuits with the passing of the proposition. (By the way there is no reason to believe that a slight label change would increase cost for consumers.)

Before having my second baby (almost 2 years ago now) I taught 12th grade environmental science. We spent a lot of time doing projects around food and the environmental impacts of our food system-- including GM foods. After researching the pros and cons of using GM crops, students often took a stance 'for' or 'against' them-- or they felt like more research was needed to make a decision.

However, one area on which  almost all students agreed was the negative social impacts of multinational corporations (especially Monsanto) patenting GM seeds and subsequently suing small farmers when Monsanto GM seeds blew into their fields and mixed with their crops. They felt compassion (most of them did anyway) for the small farmers in the U.S. and in developing countries   who became dependent and in debt because Monsanto controlled their seeds and therefore their food system.

But that's a discussion for another day-- that last part may not be too clear-- but I'm pressed for time because my son is up from nap and the vote is tomorrow!

Bottom line: a 'yes' on 37 is a vote for people's right to know what they are eating and feeding their families. It won't cost you a thing.

More sources (also see links in article):
Opinion article well researched
The Atlantic 

I'll add more to this later...or a new post with more sources

Crash and Burn-- the silver lining: tales of a burnt-out mama

Sunday in the backyard chatting with our friends across the fence. This is nice.

My brain has clicked into  screen saver mode
My eyes too heavy to open, yet too jittery to stay closed
My neck and shoulders are actually made of rock.

Despite my intent to use the least amount of effort possible this past week, here I am on Sunday in the midst of a full adrenal crash most likely due to eating something with actual sugar, a miniscule amount of gluten and drinking some wine. Seriously.

But I definitely don't want to whine, so this post is going to be about the good parts of adrenal burnout. Yes, the good parts.


Here it goes-- top ten eleven in no specific order:

1.  I'm completely off the hook when it comes to doing dishes. Jason does almost all of them.
2.  In the summer I was crashing once a week, now it only happens every couple of weeks! (this is a good sign of healing)
3.  I'm eating a super clean diet. I've done this for a while-- but now it's new & improved, ultra clean and that's got to be good for me beyond the adrenal thing.
4. I can now blame all of my insanities on heavy metal toxicity. (you could too-- check this out)
5. When I feel good, I feel REALLY good. In fact, I have a whole new appreciation for feeling good.
6. I also have an incredible tolerance for feeling bad.
7. Having a tiny bite of fruit practically gives my taste buds an orgasm.
8. I give myself permission to say 'no' to anything I don't want to do and I don't feel guilty about it.
9. Even though most people have no clue what is going on with me, my husband and a few of my friends understand and support me completely. 
10. I know that I will heal and that I will finally be able to deal well with stress (something I've struggled with for at least 32 years) and avoid disease. 
11. Did I mention that I have managed to almost let go of having a clean house? and that Jason does the dishes?

Ahhhh, that feels better. Thanks for listening.  xo

Saturday in Photos

Our Dia de los Muertos altar

Odin on the altar

Not S &M (although one of my yoga students calls this fabulous restorative pose "butterfly bondage").

Birthday dinner for my father-in-law at V Bistro & Bar. Awesome guy mixing it up on the sax & drums.

Searching for home: Autumn California days.

October has become a hard month for me since my mom died five years ago. Even the amazing weather of California with its blue skies and bright sunlight doesn't always take away the emotional edge (although--I'll admit--the sunshine definitely helps).

I miss the vibrant colors of New England Autumn-- where entire landscapes are dripping with the saturated hues of red, orange and gold. Out here, you just have to look a bit harder and appreciate the small pockets of color.

Oh, California. With your progress and your new ideas. I do love you.

I'm still a stranger here, although I've been a resident for nearly 12 years. I love it dearly, yet I still feel like I'm missing a part of me--living so far from where I grew up.

I wonder where my little family will settle.

 I love to move around and see new places, but I also yearn for a sense of belonging where I live. I've always loved any place I've lived (and I've lived a lot of places). I guess I'm naturally curious and adventurous--but how do I choose the place to settle down?

How about you? Do you feel settled where you call home? How do you know? Please do tell.... share your wisdom.

Savers. Saving as best we can, moment to moment.

Halloween happened. We moved out of last year's Halloween central house so the pressure was off! No need to create a crazy elaborate display for a thousand (or so) trick-or-treaters. No need to create complicated costumes using supplies and methods I'd never heard of. Oh yes, I'll admit it; I enjoyed every minute of the prep last year. It was a welcome distraction for a typically tough month for me.

But this year was different. I've surrendered to adrenal burnout and begun the healing process.

As I unpacked the Halloween and Dia de los Muertos decorations (yes, I'm now actually one of those people that has a box just for this particular holiday). I was impressed and surprised to find all of the handmade items I slaved over last year. No wonder I'm burnt out! It was such a clear representation of how the past 30 years or so have set me up for where I am today.*

I smiled. I laughed out loud.  If there were only one thing I could 'teach' (or model for) my boys, it would be the ability to laugh at myself.

"Lighten up!" my mom & dad told me this a lot.... but it took me a long time to learn how to do it. I'm not sure you can teach someone how to do this-- except by modeling it yourself.

I still managed some homemade costumes- but they were simple.  I still baked preschool treats twice because (as usual) I tried a new recipe and made my own substitutions which didn't work and found myself baking an emergency 2 dozen cookies the morning they were due at school.

Would a normal person run to the store for some gluten-free, nut-free cookies that would be acceptable? Perhaps. Was it that big of deal to bake up the cookies last minute? Not so much. As Jason said, "You could just bring nothing." Could I? After all, I did sign up to bring something. *sigh*

So here we are. Full circle. It's November again and time for Nablopomo (National blog posting month). That's right. The month that I post every day just for the hell of it. Just because I want to. I'm not sure that I'll pull it off and I'm not going to put pressure on myself (really, I'm not), but writing is fun for me. It's alone time, it's processing time. Sharing these thoughts with you and reading some of your thoughts (and blogs) adds extra love and richness to my day.

So thanks for being here. ;)

*secretly: I was also proud of myself for making all of that stuff last year.

No snacking while nursing, and other tales of a burnt-out 'good enough' mama.

I have mixed emotions about nursing these days with adrenal burnout.*

I worked so hard to nurse with Finn. I didn't give birth in the hospital so I didn't have one of those awesome lactation consultants until I sought one out. He didn't return to birth weight for 4+ weeks --and wasn't able to suck efficiently until he was three months.  For three weeks, I was oblivious as he sucked but couldn't manage to get out the milk.

 Until his little body and brain figured it out (which happened miraculously one day just as the lactation consultant promised), I literally nursed and pumped for most of the day and night (literally). First, I would nurse, weighing baby Finn on a rented gram-sensitive scale before and after to see how much milk he actually got.  Then I used a hospital grade breast pump to squeeze out what he didn't manage to suck, and finally, I fed him the pumped bottle. About 40 minutes later I started the process again.

The pediatrician (we went through 3 or 4) wanted me to switch to formula, so the weighing and measuring part was to prove to the doc that Finn was getting what he needed in milk. I'm exhausted just thinking about it! On top of it all, he had infant reflux or GERD and was in pain a lot of the time. I did everything possible to try to help him-- elimination diets, natural therapies, medical therapies, etc. He had surgery at 9 months for an inguinal hernia which seemed to solve all of his problems. I went back to work when Finn was 8 months and because of the shaky nursing start we had, my milk supply was on the edge the whole time. It really started to dwindle when I went back to teaching. I pumped every 2 hours at work while sitting on the cold, cement floor of the bathroom. At 15 months we naturally weaned and I was grateful to have made it that far.

Bobo on the other hand, sucked like a champ from the start and he's still going strong at 20 months. He also has food sensitivities and had colicky symptoms (read: barely any sleep ) that I've worked on like crazy. But he's not a sweet little nursling like his big brother; breastfeeding B has always been like an athletic event. He twists and pinches and kicks. He grabs a cracker and heads over to my lap for a drink (picture his big blue eyes...a few sips and then a bite). I must have my shirt completely lifted. If his big brother is up on my lap for a cuddle, little B insists that he must nurse NOW and then pushes his way in. 

Obviously, I had to set up some boundaries with this one. 

First off, No Snacking While Nursing. I've been bitten, and it hurts. Plus, no crumbs on my breasts, please. Second: I'm sure the 'don't offer, dont refuse' system has worked for some moms out there, but not me. Don't refuse? If this sweet little toddler had his way I'd be shirtless and available for a quick nip at any minute. Not happening.

The adrenal burnout was a long time coming for me. As you can probably tell by the way I'm describing all of this, I'm a bit of a hard worker. Must. Do. My. Best. I once had a therapist who said to me when we were discussing the anxiety I was having about working so much, "what if you were just 'good enough'?" at the time I was shocked by how uncomfortable that was for me. I couldn't imagine letting myself get off that easy, or settling for mediocrity. 

*sigh*

Now I have been forced into accepting my own mediocrity. My new motto is 'just enough effort'. It's not that I was awesome at everything before (certainly not), but there's just so much I want to do!...climb mountains, bike, run, cook every night, make everything I see on pinterest...and I basically can't do any of it. 

I am on a path to heal which could take quite a while, but I am grateful to have the opportunity to unlearn my patterns of stress and to see what happens. I just know that it's got to be good.

As for nursing? I'm just going to see how that goes too....and take it easy on myself. I think that will make me a 'good enough' mama.

* I know that I haven't explained this adrenal burnout thing yet....basically, my adrenals have been taxed for 30+ years from allergies (caused by a compromised gut lining) and stress-- which is a vicious cycle. Now they don't work properly, which in turn has messed up my hormones and minerals. Healing takes a while-- but it will happen!