Loving Kindness Meditation: Peace out.

I think I've found it! A way to feel love and happiness daily without having to change anything externally!  Of course, it's nothing new. People have been practicing it for a few thousand years. Now I just need to commit to doing it myself every day...

Often at the end of a yoga class during our final relaxation (shavasana) I will lead the students through a guided loving kindness meditation. I do this because I have found this practice to have such a profound effect on my own life. Practicing loving kindness--even for a few minutes a day-- helps me to develop compassion for myself and to get out of a negative state of mind.

I'll give you a quick synopsis and then some links to read or listen to the meditation yourself:

First sit in a meditation seat or in any comfortable manner with a straight spine. Tune into your breath, feeling it go in and out. Notice what is happening in your body and mind, the sensations, the thoughts.

Then take your awareness to your heart center and feel the sensations there. Breathe some space into your chest. Picture yourself sitting (or lying) here. Picture what you're wearing and the position of your body and then say to yourself: May I be at peace. May I be happy. May I be free... (you can change these phrases to whatever feels right to you as long as you're cultivating loving kindness).

Notice any resistance, judgment or tension that arises and let it be. Allow yourself to open to the feelings of loving kindness. Let the feelings wash over you.

Then begin to extend the thoughts of loving kindness toward other beings-- allowing a mental picture of the person/people/beings to arise first. Repeat the phrases for each being or group of beings
...May they be happy. May they be at peace. May they be free.
Start with someone that you love dearly and move onto someone who challenges you. Next extend this loving kindness to people that you don't know, allowing the group to grow until it encompasses all sentient beings. 

Be sure to repeat the phrases at each step and give time to allow yourself to open, and allow the feelings to wash over you. 

After extending loving kindness to all beings, I like to bring it back in to your own heart. Again, picture yourself and end with repeating the phrases to yourself. May I be happy, May I be at peace, May I be free. 

If at any point you are doubting, resisting, scoffing, judging, etc., go back to the phrases. The loving kindness will come eventually, even if you're not feeling it.

After all, as zen teacher, Cheri Huber says, What You Practice is What You Have.

May we all be happy. May we be at peace. May we be free. 

peace out.


Links:
Loving Kindness script by teacher Stephen Levine
script from Wisdom Heart.org
Guided loving kindness meditation--mp3 (there are a lot on the interwebs, this is just one example)

illustration source

Happy 'just enough' Spring.

Yesterday marked the spring equinox and we barely even had a winter! I know that I've been absent from my blog lately... so here are just a couple of things I've been thinking about and learning:

1.  I took another one of Christa's Franklin method classes--this time it was about the jaw and neck. I always learn so much from her about how my body works and can apply it directly to my yoga teaching. I had a crazy knot in my shoulder that went away the morning after taking her class.  Awesome.

But the pivotal breakthough I had wasn't even about my anatomy--
it was the idea of using 'just enough effort' in everything I do. This has always made complete sense to me with my body--economy of movement. You don't want to expend any extra energy by clenching your fists while you run or your jaw while you flow through a vinyasa yoga class, right?

I've always had it set in my head (from years of everyone telling me that trying hard is what matters), that if I try hard enough, I can do it.

First of all... that's just not true. But because it usually worked for me it led me to believe that trying even harder must be better. This really killed me with teaching at a charter school because I could ALWAYS work harder. I could always be BETTER, right? When really... I just need to be 'good enough' for what I want to achieve-- which might be different from day to day.  And relaxing-- rather than always pushing to be better will allow me to be 'better' anyway-- same with parenting.
Expending 'just enough' energy makes more sense.

2.  I'm on a new path for healing. I have been dealing with horrible allergies since I was eight years old. Insomnia and stress would flare up throughout the years depending on my life circumstances. For the past 6 years I've been getting worse with the allergies and insomnia. I attributed it first to my job, and then to the death of my mom, new baby, etc... But there's always something and even though I've tried every nutritional plan, supplement and holistic therapy possible, I can't seem to get better. I reached a breaking point.
I found this article and the doctor that wrote it. I'm going to get a hair test for heavy metals and it will probably show that I am toxic. Her plan is more affordable than anything else I've ever done and it makes so much sense. The catch is that it could take a couple of years to heal my adrenals (and in that process let go of the heavy metals). Yikes. But completely worth it if I can feel like myself again... I've been feeling rather hopeless about it lately...

Just one more thing...
3. Speaking of heavy metals, I really love Desi's recipe for natural deodorant. I've always known that most make-up is not made of good stuff, but it really hit home when I received the county's trash instructions and they had cosmetics on the "toxic, not to be thrown out with the normal trash" list. Yikes! So, I'm on a search for natural beauty products that work well.

 If you have any recipes or recommendations please let me know...

Thanks for listening... sorry so long!
xo

Burning Question: What's one dumb thing you used to believe?

"The Burning question" is an interactive exercise that Danielle (of White Hot Truth) started. She creates a weekly question, answers it, and then invites you to do the same.
Here's this week's edition:
What's one dumb thing you used to believe?

One dumb thing that I used to believe is that my self-worth is judged by what I achieve and (more importantly) how those achievements are perceived by other people.

Actually, I still have a hard time letting go of this even as I write it. It is a well worn brain path: that if I can prove to OTHERS that I am actually worthy of their admiration then I will become worthy of their admiration. There, I said it. Out loud. I catch myself with this all of the time; I think: I can change what people think about me by doing something to make them think differently of me. If I just prove to them that I am good at This. That or The other thing, then they will certainly see that I am worthy of their love.

*Sigh.*
So sad. Poor little 7-year-old Colleen trying to prove to her mom that she really is a good girl and not as difficult as she comes across....

I've let this go (and certainly forgive my mom) but it's a tough one. I spent many years being successful at convincing people that I am worthy. I became convinced that my self- worth was tied in to these successes. Newsflash: if you have success with your flawed thinking it may take longer to see that your thinking is flawed! Fortunately, I am such a crazy-sensitive being with a heavy dose of intuition that my inner struggle was apparent early on.

Now I can laugh at it and be grateful that I am aware.

I do love this journey called life. And thankfully,  I learned that love of life from my mom.  I wish I could cuddle up with her right now.

How about you? what's one dumb thing you used to believe?

Burning Question: How do you want it all to feel?

From the archives... with Desi.

"The Burning question" is an interactive exercise that Danielle (of White Hot Truth) started. She creates a question, answers it, and then invites you to do the same.

The first one:  How do you want it all to feel?  was so much fun to do. In her words:
"Feelings are magnetic. So it goes that if you generate certain feelings — and you have the power to create any feeling you desire — then you increase the power of your emotional magnetism. But we need to limber up, loosen the images and adjectives encrusted on our goals and most-desired states. It helps to get poetic, lyrical, and abstract. Go there with me."
  
Here it goes: 

I want my home to feel like cinnamon and hot chocolate in a Morrocan patterned teacup with a hint of cayenne.
I want my friendships to feel like eating watermelon and spitting out the seeds or like riding a bike downhill with the wind blowing through my hair.
I want kissing to feel like music.
I want my day to feel like walking through a shop of curiosities and taking all the time I want.
I want my body to feel like a ninja with soft skin.
I want my nervous system to feel like soaking in a hot spring in the winter desert at sunrise.
I want my money making to feel like an ocean view and lying on warm sand.
I want my success to feel like a fantastic piece of art and dancing with my kids to a favorite song.
I want my bed to feel like post- massage or yoga bliss
I want parenting to feel like hiking a winding mountain trail in springtime.
I want my laughter to feel like a cup of ginger tea with honey and lemon.
I want my love to feel like a tall tree bursting with color and swaying in the breeze.
I want my smile to feel like a sparkling string of lights at night.
I want my neighborhood to feel like a potluck dinner and a busy, funky cafe.
I want my challenges to feel like climbing trees.
I want my ideas to feel like a baby with rosy cheeks, bright eyes and a cute, round bottom or like cutting open a perfect avocado and scooping out the deliciousness.
I want my teaching to feel like jumping in the ocean for a swim or like finding a fresh mountain spring.
I want the end of my day to feel like lying under a tree and looking up at the breathing crown of leaves.

 Wanna do it too? Include a couple of your desired states in the comments if you'd like. I'd love to hear what you want.
Here's to a beautiful day...

--Colleen

What you practice is what you have. (a declaration of liberation)

 I finally decided that enough was enough. I will not postpone happiness until life is less stressful.  Anxiety will no longer  trump my peace card.

I am finished focusing on 'self improvement' and giving power to the critical voices in my head. Trying to be 'better' at EVERYTHING is exhausting. It doesn't work. It's not like I'll reach a certain point and finally satisfy the voice that tells me "You can do BETTER!" Because there is always somewhere to go.

Instead, I will practice feeling like I have already arrived at 'Better'. Instead of practicing being self-critical and overwhelmed, I will practice letting those thoughts pass by and directing my attention to my body, to what is happening in the moment.

These trees remind me to stop.

I picked up another book of Cheri Huber's: What You Practice is What You Have, in the same week as Desi directed me to Danielle LaPorte's website: White Hot Truth. The similarities between the messages of these two teachers (one a Zen monk and the other an inspiring entrepreneurial coach) was synchronistic for me.

They are saying the same thing:

"Self improvement infers there’s something wrong with you, so you’re already starting off with a disadvantage.
Of course there’s something to improve — always will be, life is an evolutionary equation. But liberation is about consciously choosing your perspectives, moment to moment, so let’s choose viewpoints that are advantageous and give us warm fuzzy, encouraging feelings."
--Danielle LaPorte, "Why Self Improvement Makes You Neurotic", White Hot Truth

I am all for liberation. In fact, I am practicing liberation right now.

What are you practicing?

Dreaming in 2012

I've never been much for resolutions, but I've always been a sucker for self-help books and activities like The Artist's Way or How to Think Like Da Vinci. I signed up for a newsletter the other day at mondobeyondo.org, and although I'm skeptical of 'life coaches' and such, I'm curious about what they do. They sent me a PDF 'dream generator' (a list of questions to write and think about). When Jasona came home early from work on New Year's Day and the boys were napping I convinced him to go through the exercise with me for fun.   Here are some of my answers. Maybe typing them on the screen as well as writing them longhand will bring them into existence *Poof*!

1. Where do I want to go?
In no specific order:
The Parker Hotel in Palm Springs (tomorrow would be nice), Europe: (Italy, France, Spain, Greece, Turkey), India, Argentina/South America, Egypt, Thailand, Ireland (again)

2. What would I like to learn?
(again in no particular order): To telemark ski (better than now), to play a stringed instrument like the ukelele or banjo or guitar, to become more fluent in Spanish and another language, to sleep completely through the night, to knit, crochet and even sew (just a bit), various yoga poses and the teaching of various yoga poses, some martial arts, to dance salsa or swing or something similar, and to let go....(because there is SO much more I'd like to learn)

3. What emotion am I longing to experience?
a lengthy bit of elation would be nice.

4.   I'd like to surrender:
the pressure I put on myself to be 'good' at everything--to allow myself to relax and enjoy life more.

5. What adventure am I longing for?
Travel overseas

6. What would I like to own?
(in no particular order): a bike to convert to a mamachari, a deep soaking tub, a really nice bed, quality furniture, pots and pans, some new (to me) clothes.

7. What kind of chance meeting would feel miraculous?
A spiritual teacher (Dalai Lama), someone with amazing connections for us that lead to employment and wealth, my mom.

8. What are some joyful things that I wish I did regularly?
Ski (just need some snow!), rock climb, mountain bike, climb trees, dance. I used to do these more often and I need more of them.

9. What dreams keep coming back to me?
Living in Europe, earning a PhD., running a bed & breakfast

10. What is one dream I've never been brave enough to say outloud?
I feel like I could be some sort of 'healer/teacher' --someone that could truly help people on a deep level--to help people find their own path and joy in life. I haven't been brave enough to say this out loud because it sounds presumptuous and egotistical and hokey on some levels and (of course) I don't mean it that way. I also have so much spiritual work to do before I'd be capable of doing this and that's scary....as letting go of old patterns and bad habits usually is.



Okay. Now, your turn.....and here's to bringing dreams to reality in 2012!

Mystical Encounters Part 1: La Virgen de Guadalupe spoke to me in Mexico and I almost forgot.

My mac has been on the fritz with a psychotic track pad. I nearly threw the machine across the room the other day so there was no way I could possibly do my posts this week. I started  3 times only to have the curser randomly select text, click on links, close windows, etc. It's still not fixed *sigh*; I'm not sure what to do.

But enough about my techno troubles. Let's talk about the Virgin Mary.

December 12th was my mom's birthday (she would have been 65) and also El Dia de la Virgen de Guadalupe, a huge celebration in Mexico and Latin America honoring the 'goddess' of the americas.  I love the story of the native Mexican, Juan Diego, who--in 1531--encountered the Virgin Mary on a hilltop. I won't go into the details, which you can read here, because I really want to tell you about the two encounters I had in Mexico with women who happened to be channels for the Virgin Mary.

Yes, that's right. I said "channels for the Virgin Mary".

At this point (if you don't know me well) you may be wondering if I'm some sort of devout Catholic or new age junky. Not at all. I just happen to attract psychics. I grew up Roman Catholic in a parish with a liberal priest and a family that didn't force me to go to church or  to believe in religious doctrines. I don't have the normal hang-ups of a "recovering Catholic", but I also don't practice the religion anymore (or any religion for that matter).

More pertinent background: 
Since I was a young child I've been inclined to have 'mystical experiences'--times when I felt an extreme sense of merging with something beyond my 'self', or to use a more common term-- 'out of body experiences'. (More about these so called mystical encounters  in future posts).

Here is the story of how I got an audience with the Virgin Mary:

Eleven years ago, a friend of mine offered me a space in her house in Mexico to live for a year. I was writing my graduate thesis and going through a difficult break up, so  I jumped at the chance (even though I didn't speak a word of Spanish at the time). Odin (my dog) and I packed up the truck and my brother flew out to California to drive with me to my new home in Mexico. I found a job teaching at a bilingual school soon after I arrived.

packed and ready to go.

It was a lonely, difficult time (albeit exciting and adventurous). My heart ached and I felt unsure of where my life was headed--a typical twenty-something dilemma for a woman of my generation. Diana, my Mexican host and friend, invited me to go to a fringe Catholic prayer group. She wasn't religious at all, but a friend of hers was.  I couldn't understand much of anything they were praying about (except that they often said prayers that were familiar to me--'Our Father', Hail Mary' and the like). They would pray and pray out loud in a group and even begin speaking in tongues. Because I didn't understand the language it was like meditation for me. The clearing of my mind, the focus, the energy of the other people-- was transportive.

I was at one of the prayer groups at someone's house when a woman (known to be a channel for the Virgin Mary) started to speak to me as Mary. There were perhaps 30 people there, so I don't know why she chose me (unless it was because I was the only gringa in the room). I still didn't know much Spanish and she spoke quickly and with emotion, so I didn't catch much. But there was a man with a recording device getting every word. A couple of weeks later he gave me a typed out transcript of what she said. It was personal, with some details of my childhood which seemed odd for a stranger to know.

I was skeptical; I joked about it (and still do), because it sounds insane and illogical,  but I also know there's more to existence than sanity and logic.

Odin at the hilltop shrine

Sometime around  December 12th of the same year I encountered another woman known to be vehicle for Mary. We were at one of those Mexican hilltop shrines drinking chapurrado and eating tamales (yum). It was dark and the fire was crackling and creating the kind of ethereal light that tends to make people look magical. She didn't speak any English but she began to throw in English words here and there--telling me that I needed to 'help the children'. Her face seemed to change completely in quality as she spoke--becoming placid and quite beautiful. 

I didn't stay with the fringe Catholic prayer group, but I was grateful for the spiritual energy they shared with me. They had their own path, and I clearly didn't share their beliefs. I don't know what the channeling is all about. I guess I'd call myself agnostic when it comes to this sort of experience. 

I do know that it opened me up to acknowledge the mysticism and spirituality present within me. I was finished with the adolescent and young adult view that I had things figured out and I was ready to embrace the idea that I know relatively nothing. I needed to let my'self' fall apart in order to experience peace.

It was a beautiful feeling and for that, I am grateful to "Our Lady of Guadalupe".

I need to cultivate my spiritual practice again-- give it more time and love. I feel like it's been stored away in the closet collecting dust. I'm ready to be good to myself again and open it up.
How about you? 

I can't believe he's almost 16 now. So sweet.

The places that scare you

"When we try to avoid the discomfort we call fear our world grows smaller and smaller..."
--Cheri Huber, The Fear Book

Remember being scared as a child? I do. Lying in my bed while the shadows of monsters or scary ghosts danced on my walls, I thought that if I could be totally still they might not notice me. When I was 6 or 7, my grandmother and I watched a scary movie with a human sacrifice and devil worshippers and for months afterward I would whisper, "I hate the devil, I hate the devil!" as I ran back to my bed from the bathroom at night (I'm still getting over that one).

Tonight, just a few minutes ago, we were sitting in the living room when I heard a child sobbing (there are four in the house right now). I realized that Finn was crying in his bed (heartbreaking). He never does that. At bedtime, I convinced him to turn off the light that he normally leaves on in his room because we're trying to get the baby to sleep in there with him. The poor guy felt scared and all alone.

Some fears (like being scared of the dark or human sacrifice) are loud and obvious, but it's the other kind of fear...the subtle fears... that masquerade as resistance or anger, that are harder to recognize. I'm interested to look at how fear might be shrinking my world. I'll get back to you after some introspection.


How about you? How does fear manifest in your life?


(The quote above is from a Zen monk who runs a monastery close to where I live.  She writes mindfulness books that are powerful yet easy reading and practical.)

Thanking my bike. And the guy who married me.

I'm feeling out of sorts today. My cousin's husband has a brain tumor (glioblastoma). He was going through his life as an amazing husband, father and friend and then, Bam. Brain tumor at age 48. There's something that tells me he will be okay, but my heart aches for him and his family. This is on my mind.

I had a few different ideas for Day 15 of blogging every day, but to change up my mood, I decided to throw them out and make a list of some of the things I am thankful for today. For me, practicing gratitude is one of the quickest ways to feel better--even if I'm not feeling the least bit grateful when I start doing it.

1. The color of autumn leaves (even here in northern California there is some color!). I was driving today imagining being in New England where the whole landscape would be painted, but the pops of color here and there make for lovely unexpected eye candy.

2. Outer Aisle (where I buy my food). My farming friends, Christine & Eric Taylor, opened a farmstand which is actually a store.  This food nourishes me in so many ways. Today I bought gorgeous kale, a red pepper (they still have peppers!), pears, garlic, granny smith apples, fennel, beets, a small red leaf head of lettuce, dates, eggs, sprouted corn tortillas and sauerkraut. I'll let you know what I make.

3. My bike.  I spent too much time inside today. When it came time to teach yoga this evening I pulled on my new wool hat, hopped on my bike and felt the cool air against my cheeks as I rode the half mile to the yoga studio. Did I mention that I love riding my bike?

4. The guy who married me. (I'm not a big fan of the word husband--when I say it I have to use a funny accent-- I know, strange. It's just my own hang-up). He's in the kitchen right now doing dishes, which he does every night regardless of how many pots and pans I used. (I am a messy cook. I'm trying to get better about it.) He also puts up with all of my shit. (and he cleans up shit too--not mine, the kids').

There are so many more, but I need to go say goodnight to Finn (who is hopefully already asleep) and then spend some time with the guy in the kitchen (who will hopefully be finished cleaning it). My mood is looking better already.

so here's a speedy list: I'm also thankful for the two boys who call me 'mama', my friends who love me even though I'm not good on the phone, my family, dog & chickens, chocolate, yoga.....(I'll say the rest right before bed. That should seal the deal on sweet dreams, right?))

(thanks for reading!)

Image: Print by Nick Dewar.

talk nice.

I love the voices in my head. I wouldn't trade them for anything. But lately, they've been bringing me down with their endless commentary and criticisms.

Last night I went to the first class in a series with Christa Rypins. She is the owner of Intelligent Body Movement Studio (where I teach yoga once a week) and a renown teacher of yoga, Pilates and the Franklin Method of imagery. The class is called Digest for Happiness. Christa shows us how to visualize our digestive system to help it work better through breath and imagery. Very cool. You wouldn't believe how transformative this stuff can be.

Here's the example she used to introduce us to the practice. We did the simple exercise of inhaling our shoulders up to our ears and then exhaling while releasing them down our backs. This is something I do daily and remind my yoga students to do throughout a class. After doing it the way I just described we then used 'self-talk' while doing the exercise-- saying (in our heads or out loud) "My shoulders are healthy and flexible". Just that simple change alone increased the movement of our shoulders and the positive feelings while doing it. We also tried 'mood' talk: shrugging while saying "I am loved, I am loving."-- it may sound out there to you, but try it-- it sure feels nice. Anatomical visualizations and metaphors were next. We did the exercise while visualizing the way the scapula bones glide up and down the back and also while comparing the movement to a waterfall. By the end of this my neck felt long and my shoulders were so relaxed I could practically reach my knees with my fingertips.

How will I use what I learned? First of all, it brought my attention to how negative the voices in my head have been lately. I'm always telling yoga students: "Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend", but I have definitely not been practicing this. I'm going to start integrating imagery and self talk into my yoga class and personal practice to help increase relaxation and mind-body awareness.

I feel better already.

How are the voices in your head?