Savers. Saving as best we can, moment to moment.

Halloween happened. We moved out of last year's Halloween central house so the pressure was off! No need to create a crazy elaborate display for a thousand (or so) trick-or-treaters. No need to create complicated costumes using supplies and methods I'd never heard of. Oh yes, I'll admit it; I enjoyed every minute of the prep last year. It was a welcome distraction for a typically tough month for me.

But this year was different. I've surrendered to adrenal burnout and begun the healing process.

As I unpacked the Halloween and Dia de los Muertos decorations (yes, I'm now actually one of those people that has a box just for this particular holiday). I was impressed and surprised to find all of the handmade items I slaved over last year. No wonder I'm burnt out! It was such a clear representation of how the past 30 years or so have set me up for where I am today.*

I smiled. I laughed out loud.  If there were only one thing I could 'teach' (or model for) my boys, it would be the ability to laugh at myself.

"Lighten up!" my mom & dad told me this a lot.... but it took me a long time to learn how to do it. I'm not sure you can teach someone how to do this-- except by modeling it yourself.

I still managed some homemade costumes- but they were simple.  I still baked preschool treats twice because (as usual) I tried a new recipe and made my own substitutions which didn't work and found myself baking an emergency 2 dozen cookies the morning they were due at school.

Would a normal person run to the store for some gluten-free, nut-free cookies that would be acceptable? Perhaps. Was it that big of deal to bake up the cookies last minute? Not so much. As Jason said, "You could just bring nothing." Could I? After all, I did sign up to bring something. *sigh*

So here we are. Full circle. It's November again and time for Nablopomo (National blog posting month). That's right. The month that I post every day just for the hell of it. Just because I want to. I'm not sure that I'll pull it off and I'm not going to put pressure on myself (really, I'm not), but writing is fun for me. It's alone time, it's processing time. Sharing these thoughts with you and reading some of your thoughts (and blogs) adds extra love and richness to my day.

So thanks for being here. ;)

*secretly: I was also proud of myself for making all of that stuff last year.

Get your domestic chi in order: spontaneous tears and Nora Ephron

We moved. Only 8 miles, but 8 miles with 2 small boys and into a place with no storage in the heat feels like torture. There have been complications (so many leaks, a broken oven-- although it's far too hot for cooking), but we are here.

My adrenals have been taking a whipping and just to launch them into complete despair I CHOSE to drive to Sonora (only 25 minutes away--but there's traffic and more heat) when we should have been home eating and getting ready for nap. I needed Grocery Outlet and some blackout shades. You see, we live over an hour from the closest Trader Joe's or Costco up here, so sometimes I think I  NEED some inexpensive food .

Alas, the shades didn't work out and Grocery Outlet was more of a miss than a hit. They also charged me for 3 boxes of Lara bars rather than 3 individual bars (which I didn't realize until both boys were strapped into their carseats and one was smashing banana all over himself ). But damnit if I'm going to drive 25 minutes on winding roads and end up paying $16 for three 60 cent Lara Bars. No ma'am, we went back inside.

oh joy. thankfully, we are home and both boys are napping as I type.

This morning I was surprised to find myself spontaneously crying. Not that spontaneous tears are a rarity in my world, in fact they're quite common, but it still took me by surprise. I was catching up on a blog--Cup of Jo--in between wiping bottoms, cleaning up massive amounts of food on the floor and getting Finn ready to go to swim lessons. As most people who have been actually been paying attention to the world probably already know, Nora Ephron died of cancer a couple of weeks ago and upon reading this and seeing her face, I started crying. I've never really followed her...of course I loved some of her movies, but I was mostly ignorant to her amazing accomplishments and influence.  I think the tears were because of damn cancer again and the fact that she was just 5 years older than my mom would be. Her face even reminded me of my mom and she actually looks nothing like my mother. But she's somebody's mom. And she's a really cool woman.

I think it's a sign. I need a mentor in my life. so.....

As you may or may not know, I tend to pick something to obsess about for a while. It becomes a project and I spend all of my free energy reading about it and doing something with it. This week it's  Feng Shui. I don't know why. Maybe it's the fact that we are in a family financial crisis and I'm trying everything. Honestly, a lot of it seems like superstition to me, but I figure what the hell, might as well get our domestic chi in order. My point? I'm going to enhance my "helpful people" bagua and see what happens.

How about you? How's your domestic chi?

Image credit: Linda Nylind/Eyevine/ZUMAPRESS.com

Happy 'just enough' Spring.

Yesterday marked the spring equinox and we barely even had a winter! I know that I've been absent from my blog lately... so here are just a couple of things I've been thinking about and learning:

1.  I took another one of Christa's Franklin method classes--this time it was about the jaw and neck. I always learn so much from her about how my body works and can apply it directly to my yoga teaching. I had a crazy knot in my shoulder that went away the morning after taking her class.  Awesome.

But the pivotal breakthough I had wasn't even about my anatomy--
it was the idea of using 'just enough effort' in everything I do. This has always made complete sense to me with my body--economy of movement. You don't want to expend any extra energy by clenching your fists while you run or your jaw while you flow through a vinyasa yoga class, right?

I've always had it set in my head (from years of everyone telling me that trying hard is what matters), that if I try hard enough, I can do it.

First of all... that's just not true. But because it usually worked for me it led me to believe that trying even harder must be better. This really killed me with teaching at a charter school because I could ALWAYS work harder. I could always be BETTER, right? When really... I just need to be 'good enough' for what I want to achieve-- which might be different from day to day.  And relaxing-- rather than always pushing to be better will allow me to be 'better' anyway-- same with parenting.
Expending 'just enough' energy makes more sense.

2.  I'm on a new path for healing. I have been dealing with horrible allergies since I was eight years old. Insomnia and stress would flare up throughout the years depending on my life circumstances. For the past 6 years I've been getting worse with the allergies and insomnia. I attributed it first to my job, and then to the death of my mom, new baby, etc... But there's always something and even though I've tried every nutritional plan, supplement and holistic therapy possible, I can't seem to get better. I reached a breaking point.
I found this article and the doctor that wrote it. I'm going to get a hair test for heavy metals and it will probably show that I am toxic. Her plan is more affordable than anything else I've ever done and it makes so much sense. The catch is that it could take a couple of years to heal my adrenals (and in that process let go of the heavy metals). Yikes. But completely worth it if I can feel like myself again... I've been feeling rather hopeless about it lately...

Just one more thing...
3. Speaking of heavy metals, I really love Desi's recipe for natural deodorant. I've always known that most make-up is not made of good stuff, but it really hit home when I received the county's trash instructions and they had cosmetics on the "toxic, not to be thrown out with the normal trash" list. Yikes! So, I'm on a search for natural beauty products that work well.

 If you have any recipes or recommendations please let me know...

Thanks for listening... sorry so long!
xo

Burning Question: What's one dumb thing you used to believe?

"The Burning question" is an interactive exercise that Danielle (of White Hot Truth) started. She creates a weekly question, answers it, and then invites you to do the same.
Here's this week's edition:
What's one dumb thing you used to believe?

One dumb thing that I used to believe is that my self-worth is judged by what I achieve and (more importantly) how those achievements are perceived by other people.

Actually, I still have a hard time letting go of this even as I write it. It is a well worn brain path: that if I can prove to OTHERS that I am actually worthy of their admiration then I will become worthy of their admiration. There, I said it. Out loud. I catch myself with this all of the time; I think: I can change what people think about me by doing something to make them think differently of me. If I just prove to them that I am good at This. That or The other thing, then they will certainly see that I am worthy of their love.

*Sigh.*
So sad. Poor little 7-year-old Colleen trying to prove to her mom that she really is a good girl and not as difficult as she comes across....

I've let this go (and certainly forgive my mom) but it's a tough one. I spent many years being successful at convincing people that I am worthy. I became convinced that my self- worth was tied in to these successes. Newsflash: if you have success with your flawed thinking it may take longer to see that your thinking is flawed! Fortunately, I am such a crazy-sensitive being with a heavy dose of intuition that my inner struggle was apparent early on.

Now I can laugh at it and be grateful that I am aware.

I do love this journey called life. And thankfully,  I learned that love of life from my mom.  I wish I could cuddle up with her right now.

How about you? what's one dumb thing you used to believe?

Book Notes: *Poser, my life in twenty-three yoga poses* by Claire Dederer

This is not a yoga book. It's not a book that preaches about being present or 'just breathing'.  It is a memoir that made me laugh out loud and also made me seriously reflect on some of my own crap. Claire is a new mom in her 30s who starts to do yoga. She is plagued by her own perfectionism and this is the story of how she begins to let it go.

She is irreverent to the whole yoga thing (which I love).  In one scene, Claire has just walked into her second yoga class (she is skeptical). Enter: the teacher:
"I am Atosa," she said. Like hell you are, sister.

Descriptions of the over-educated mom trying to make all of the right choices really hit home with me. Breastfeeding, making her own baby food (organic, of course), choosing the 'right' preschool. These things were the 'rules' of Claire's liberal neighborhood in Seattle.
Our goodness was driven by an underlying terror: What if we stopped?....There was trouble lurking at the edge of my effort; all I could do was everything, and do it right.

  This made me ask myself, "What would happen if I stopped being 'good'?" Hmmmm. Am I putting too much pressure on myself? Let me rephrase that. I mean, I know that I'm putting too much pressure on myself... to parent correctly, 'wife' correctly, create correctly, career correctly....but is it because of fear? It sounds almost ridiculous. OF COURSE it's because of fear, right? What else could it be?

It reminded me of what a well-intentioned therapist, Steve, once said to me when I was talking about the pressures I was putting on myself at work (teaching at a charter school): What would happen if you were just 'good enough'? 

I realized that 'good enough' made me uncomfortable. How could I do that? I must do the absolute best job that I can at all times or..... or what? I couldn't even fathom it. I couldn't imagine not putting in my best effort at work. It was black or white for me. Either I would be doing the best job or I would be a crappy teacher. There was no in between. No balance. Insanity. I never thought I was a perfectionist because I don't care too much about getting all the lines straight or the 'i's dotted. I am more free-form. I'm big picture, not details. I didn't realize that there are many ways to be a perfectionist.

But enough about me and my analysis paralysis.

Back to the book. I loved it. When I finish up the biography of Steve Jobs (a much more intense perfectionist) I might just have to read it again.

Bodhi turns one! (and the holiday preparations...)

 Bodhi had his first birthday this week and we threw a small get together to celebrate. Of course, Jasona and I worked so hard all day that by the time the party came neither of us took photos! I blame him (of course) because he is, in fact, a photographer by trade.... but I should know better, because he never takes photos in this type of situation. Which I guess means that I need to do it and stop expecting him to do it. Oh, expectations. You get me every time.

The cake looks horrible against our rental's horrendous faux painted walls (are you getting a sense of my mood this evening?)...but it was delicious. And gluten free! This Vanilla Bean cake is literally made with white beans (and a dozen eggs)! I highly recommend it.  I doubled the recipe here, and made a layer cake. The frosting is buttercream: butter, sugar, and cream. I used this recipe--not overly sweet.

Finn has been waiting for this moment all night.

 You can see our advent calendar in the background-- Idea from Desi. She sent me the animal images. I used iron on transfers on muslin bags from this tutorial. That was my first iron on transfer experience and damn, there is a learning curve! I nearly quit after 3 shoddy numbers and multiple trouble-shooting google searches, but picked it up the next day and figured it out. Persistence has always been my strength. (I have many weaknesses, which I've been examining all day today-- more on that later).

And our tree... I love it. Chopped down by Jason, it is perfect. Finn and I made the little owls and Jason and I wrapped stars in yarn. It took me 3 weeks to get the lights right because I had 2 faulty sets. (What a mind-snapper* that is. It's cheaper to buy a new strand then to actually fix them.)

Snowflakes are hanging from above. Do you love making them? If not, look at this explanation on how to fold the paper. Why didn't I learn this in school? When I teach school again I will be certain to teach how to cut snowflakes--even if it's college. After learning how to make the proper folds I was a snowflake making maniac! I literally went to sleep visualizing patterns of how to cut complex flakes. (I am a little insane, and a nerd if you haven't noticed.)

Alas, there are two more days until Christmas and I have yet to manufacture (craft, if you will) about 10 gifts. The two small boys who call me 'mama' are no help in this department. I will not stress about it. This is fun, right? Right.

Yes. There will be gluten free cinnamon buns on Christmas morning along with baked eggs and pumpkin lattes. My mom always served us cinnamon buns as we sleepily emptied our stockings. This is a tradition I want to carry on.
I miss you mama.

But enough about me...what about you?

*my dad's term.  I miss him too. But he's just across the country, and fairly active in cyberspace so I'll see him soon.

I'll miss you Candy Cane Joe-Joe's.

I thought living a one hour drive from the nearest Trader Joe's might save me this holiday season, but after a long day in the car* with two boys that wouldn't sleep, I broke down. They were stacked in a monumental display at the end of an aisle, their pink & red striped boxes flirting with me. I was weak; my stomach was empty. I tossed a box into the cart, Jason needs these, right? I don't know if we'll be back here before the holidays --they might run out. I tossed another box into the cart and contemplated a thrid. I won't eat too many. I'm supposed to be on a gluten free, sugar free, candida diet. I can't eat them.  

Well, maybe just a few.

Jason stops after two. "Any more than two makes me sick." So he says. I wish I had that reaction. For me, it's a minimum of four. I don't know what it is, but I find them extremely addictive. I could try claiming that it's because I've been on such a restricted diet, but it happens every year. 

oh, joe joe's.

And sure enough, I had a full blown allergy attack last night--I haven't had one that intense in months. I'm blaming the Joe's. It's not the Joe's fault, of course. They are fabulous and you should, by all means, have a few. It's just that I can't tolerate wheat or sugar at the moment. I still have more healing to do. But one day I will. I am determined.


*On Sunday, we drove to Tahoe and back--7 hours round trip in one day to look for tele ski boots, with a 3 year old and an 11 month old baby in the car. I'm not sure what we were thinking, but it worked out. Poor kids.

free food at Ikea! --and why I didn't have gravlax today.

gravadlax (not my photo. I didn't get any.)

Bodhi and I tagged along with J to Santa Clara this weekend. He had to be there for a ski trade show. Finn stayed with the grandparents, but the little nursling had to come along. [He started walking this weekend!] As I'm sure you saw in yesterday's post, I went to visit my dear friend Jennifer in Pacifica on Saturday. Today I hit Ikea, along with everyone else in the Silicon Valley. Oh my. Insanity.

I made it through the showroom without passing out from hunger and then got in line at the restaurant. I have never seen such a crowd at an Ikea restaurant. I had Bodhi in a front pack carrier and a bag on my shoulder which was starting to ache. I was trying to keep an eye on the cold case to see if there would be gravlax--which I love. We were in one of those lines that snakes around those metal dividers and I noticed that a group of people two rows ahead helped themselves to 4 plates of gravlax! Oh no...they're going to be out! (obsessing) They'll replenish it. (reassuring) They'll have some by the time I get up there. 

I noticed that the people ahead of me were grabbing four desserts between the two of them. Odd. I mean, I love dessert too, but four huge pieces of cake? They inquired about the gravlax...."10 minutes" the woman behind the line says. Ten minutes?! There's no way I can wait here in the cafeteria line with a baby and people trying to get by me for another ten minutes. I anxiously looked at the line on the other side to see if there was some over there. Nope. I seriously considered waiting and then realized that it wasn't rational.

I settled for the overcooked poached salmon with steamed, bland vegetables. It was just plain fine damnit.

At the cashier I mentioned the crowd and she informed me that everyone was there because lunch is free if you spend $100 in the store. Bonus. Ahh. That explains the four desserts. Maybe I should have bought food for the road trip home.

I found a high chair and shared a big round table with some other people. I'm telling you, the place was insane. 

Image credit

talk nice.

I love the voices in my head. I wouldn't trade them for anything. But lately, they've been bringing me down with their endless commentary and criticisms.

Last night I went to the first class in a series with Christa Rypins. She is the owner of Intelligent Body Movement Studio (where I teach yoga once a week) and a renown teacher of yoga, Pilates and the Franklin Method of imagery. The class is called Digest for Happiness. Christa shows us how to visualize our digestive system to help it work better through breath and imagery. Very cool. You wouldn't believe how transformative this stuff can be.

Here's the example she used to introduce us to the practice. We did the simple exercise of inhaling our shoulders up to our ears and then exhaling while releasing them down our backs. This is something I do daily and remind my yoga students to do throughout a class. After doing it the way I just described we then used 'self-talk' while doing the exercise-- saying (in our heads or out loud) "My shoulders are healthy and flexible". Just that simple change alone increased the movement of our shoulders and the positive feelings while doing it. We also tried 'mood' talk: shrugging while saying "I am loved, I am loving."-- it may sound out there to you, but try it-- it sure feels nice. Anatomical visualizations and metaphors were next. We did the exercise while visualizing the way the scapula bones glide up and down the back and also while comparing the movement to a waterfall. By the end of this my neck felt long and my shoulders were so relaxed I could practically reach my knees with my fingertips.

How will I use what I learned? First of all, it brought my attention to how negative the voices in my head have been lately. I'm always telling yoga students: "Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend", but I have definitely not been practicing this. I'm going to start integrating imagery and self talk into my yoga class and personal practice to help increase relaxation and mind-body awareness.

I feel better already.

How are the voices in your head?

National Blog Posting Month Day 7: Here I am.

You may have noticed that I suddenly started posting every day. On a whim (after reading this post over at Eat Thru the Pain) I decided that maybe I, too, should try writing every day. Why not? I think I may be the type of person that likes to have a defined 'project'. Maybe it keeps me  from obsessing about various things (for example: health, sleep, food, what direction I want to go with my life). Or more likely, it's just a healthy way for me to channel my obsessions. Last month's project was Halloween & Day of the Dead. This month it's NaBloPoMo (I'm trying to embrace this acronym, but I'm not going to lie, I'm having trouble).

So, here I am, with no particular goal in mind other than to enjoy the process and maybe even create some routine in my life.

Confession: I have a hard time with routine. I don't seem to be able to follow a self-imposed weekly schedule--for example: Every Monday I'm going to post an interview, or Tuesday is current events, etc. I've tried this sort of thing as a teacher --and I'll stick to it for a month or so, but then I have to change it up, I just can't help myself (which is why I'm better suited as a high school rather than grade school teacher). As a parent I've also tried -- we had fun little 'jobs' on a homemade chart that we did every day. That lasted all of about a month too. *sigh*.

Oh, I understand the benefits of such routines--kids feel secure and know what to expect, planning is easier (I can imagine it: pizza fridays or taco Tuesdays-- the shopping list could practically write itself). I think the key for me will be to see them as rituals rather than routines. I love rituals.  That's it! I need my own rituals.

See? NaBloPoMo is helping me already.

Dia De Los Muertos.

image link

We recently moved into a Halloween crazed neighborhood up here in the hills. There are only a few thousand people in the area and it seems that all of them trick-or-treat on my street. My neighbor literally has a pirate ship in her yard along with cannons that blow "smoke". Across the street, the elderly couple (who can barely walk), had their daughter come over and put up orange pumpkin lights, scary masks and a large inflatable black cat that moves its head. There will be dance performances by local troupes in various cul de sacs (all to Thriller I'm guessing). I kid you not. We are told that we need 1000 pieces of candy. Ouch. That's expensive.  And it makes practicing what I preach about fair trade chocolate cost prohibitive for us. So I'll be giving out slave chocolate damn it. [I cringe every time I think about it. More on slave chocolate in a separate post.] Fortunately local businesses collect candy for us since no one else in town gets much action --but I'm not sure how much.

So what am I doing? Or, what have I been spending every 'free' and non-free moment doing for the past few weeks? Making stuff. It's been so much fun and slightly insane and obsessive (but that's not surprising, is it?).  Jason is shocked every evening as I pull out my latest creation. Of course I'm mostly just re-working ideas that I find on the internet and pin on Pinterest, but I'm learning a lot of cool stuff. For example: how to use fusible interfacing with felt on owl wings and how to keep an active baby away from my hour's work of paper flowers without losing them and having to do the whole thing again (I haven't fully accepted this yet, I'm still looking for that bag. I fear it's found a new home at the dump).

image credit: associated press

I fell in love with the Day of the Dead when I lived in Mexico 10 years ago. On November 1st and 2nd (All Saints and All Souls Day respectively) the tradition is to create altars (ofrendas) to honor your deceased. The idea is that the dead will come back for a visit. It's a happy day with comical dancing skeletons and smiling calaveras (skulls). There are fiestas at the cemetaries, loaves of pan de muerte, golden marigolds and paper flowers everywhere. It seems like such a healthy way to look at death and the act of making an altar has been therapeutic for me since my mom died four years ago on October 30th.

El Dia de los Muertos has Aztec origins in Mexico, but was catholicized when the Spanish conquered the country. I find it so interesting that cultures across the world celebrate a similar holiday with nearly the same meaning. It coincides with the cross quarter day-- we will be half-way between the fall equinox and the winter solstice right around Halloween and the Day of the Dead. In Celtic Pagan traditions the high holiday is called Samhain and is based on the same idea: that the 'veil between the worlds' is thin and the dead may come back for a visit. Isn't that cool? I love it. 

Here is what I've been making (or will be in the next few days): A colony of black bat sillouhettes for inside the house, painted and decoupaged bottles, paper marigolds and other flowers (which I guess now I'll be re-making), an owl costume for the baby and a frog costume for the toddler, a large painted banner for the garage, pumpkins yet to be carved, a skeleton dressed up like a nurse to honor my mom, tiny painted plastic skeletons, mason jars with faces....the list goes on.  These are just the inspiration photos. I'll post the photos of my actual results next week. We're going to have a photo booth set up out front for trick-or-treaters (I had to talk Jasona into this, but he's finally agreed that it's a cool idea).

What else? I commissioned 2 dozen tamales from a local Mexican woman, ordered Pan de Muerte from the bakery (I was originally going to make both, but decided that I might severely stress myself out). Instead I'm only cooking 1 dozen sweet corn tamales, gluten free halloween cookies, and champurrado (Mexican hot yummy drink).

Oh, and for my own costume? It will be similar to this (but I'll be wearing traditional Mexican garb):

[Photo credits: Martha Stewart, Country Living, Flickr: Amyr_81, DeviantArt: Docophoto}

Embarking on the GAPS diet

My quest to heal Bodhi's gut and to get some sleep continues. I have been immersed in the GAPS (Gut And Psychology Syndrome) diet for the last few weeks. I think this is going to be the answer. I'll post more on this later, but the basic idea is that many health problems (physiological and psychological) are caused by dysbiosis-- a microbial imbalance in the intestines. The result is 'leaky gut' syndrome which wreaks havoc on the body, basically rendering it 'toxic' and manifesting in various ways from ADHD to allergies to depression. The protocol sets out to heal the gut and therefore heal the body and mind.

Yipee! We are going for it. I actually started on the full GAPS diet a couple of weeks ago. Jason and Finn will start the 'Intro Diet' (which is sort of like an elimination diet) on Friday. I can't go too intense with it because I'm breastfeeding and don't want to detox too fast (I would detox right into Bodhi through my milk!)....but I'll be following along with caution.

My goal? A happy baby...which will lead to a happy mommy. I also intend to heal my horrific life-long allergies, Jason's multiple problems ;) and....more on Finn later.

Pictured above you see the fruit of some of my labor-- fermenting veggies, ghee, five quarts of bone broth, frozen lamb's liver, organic beef tallow.... and some of the fixings for the diet.
What is this crazy diet all about? More later... I'm off to take a detox bath.