Get your domestic chi in order: spontaneous tears and Nora Ephron

We moved. Only 8 miles, but 8 miles with 2 small boys and into a place with no storage in the heat feels like torture. There have been complications (so many leaks, a broken oven-- although it's far too hot for cooking), but we are here.

My adrenals have been taking a whipping and just to launch them into complete despair I CHOSE to drive to Sonora (only 25 minutes away--but there's traffic and more heat) when we should have been home eating and getting ready for nap. I needed Grocery Outlet and some blackout shades. You see, we live over an hour from the closest Trader Joe's or Costco up here, so sometimes I think I  NEED some inexpensive food .

Alas, the shades didn't work out and Grocery Outlet was more of a miss than a hit. They also charged me for 3 boxes of Lara bars rather than 3 individual bars (which I didn't realize until both boys were strapped into their carseats and one was smashing banana all over himself ). But damnit if I'm going to drive 25 minutes on winding roads and end up paying $16 for three 60 cent Lara Bars. No ma'am, we went back inside.

oh joy. thankfully, we are home and both boys are napping as I type.

This morning I was surprised to find myself spontaneously crying. Not that spontaneous tears are a rarity in my world, in fact they're quite common, but it still took me by surprise. I was catching up on a blog--Cup of Jo--in between wiping bottoms, cleaning up massive amounts of food on the floor and getting Finn ready to go to swim lessons. As most people who have been actually been paying attention to the world probably already know, Nora Ephron died of cancer a couple of weeks ago and upon reading this and seeing her face, I started crying. I've never really followed her...of course I loved some of her movies, but I was mostly ignorant to her amazing accomplishments and influence.  I think the tears were because of damn cancer again and the fact that she was just 5 years older than my mom would be. Her face even reminded me of my mom and she actually looks nothing like my mother. But she's somebody's mom. And she's a really cool woman.

I think it's a sign. I need a mentor in my life. so.....

As you may or may not know, I tend to pick something to obsess about for a while. It becomes a project and I spend all of my free energy reading about it and doing something with it. This week it's  Feng Shui. I don't know why. Maybe it's the fact that we are in a family financial crisis and I'm trying everything. Honestly, a lot of it seems like superstition to me, but I figure what the hell, might as well get our domestic chi in order. My point? I'm going to enhance my "helpful people" bagua and see what happens.

How about you? How's your domestic chi?

Image credit: Linda Nylind/Eyevine/ZUMAPRESS.com

This photo (of me and my dad) was taken by Jason last year at Sachuest Point in Rhode Island. I can't remember where my baby was...was Jason pushing both boys in a stroller while taking this?

 

Dear Dad;

I know that I wrote you a tribute last year on here (and maybe it's just because I can't get my act together to get something out to you in the real mail on time)....I hope you don't mind.

I don't know what it's like to be a dad, or even a man, but I do know that it's different than being a mom. I mean, beside the whole giving birth part (which is no small feat). It's just different. Sure, today gender roles are changing or less defined, and some families have 2 dads and some 2 moms. But I digress. Now that I'm married to a father, I can see that (in general) there are different pressures on men than women. They feel a biological or societal pressure (or maybe some of both) to provide for their families.  

I just wanted to take a moment and acknowledge the fact that you (and mom) worked incredibly hard to provide for us. The coolest part about it is that you both always followed your passion. I knew that you loved accounting and then you started writing books in your spare time and loved that too. You always supported mom in her career whether she was nursing, going back to school, starting a bed and breakfast, or opening a cafe.

It was hard with you commuting so far to work when we moved to Rhode Island. I missed you, but I knew that you were doing what you had to do. I remember when mom got sick and you quit your job to be closer to home. You took a large pay cut to start teaching college students, but it showed me that nothing was more important to you than all of us.

Thanks for all that you gave me (and continue to give) and all that you taught me just by being you.

Happy Fathers' Day!

I love you--

Colleen

 

this picture cracks me up! The blue suit, and the tie!

Questions for my mother Part 4: Why did you push me away?

Yesterday I was going through some dusty files and found an old letter from my mom sent in 2004. It was a note apologizing for how she had acted the night before on the phone. I don't remember the conversation, but she said that she had no right to 'judge my decisions'. She was coming out to California for a visit and I was only going to be able to spend a few days with her because I had just gotten a new job and had to travel for a training. I had to be at the training, or forfeit the position.

Damnit. If I'd only known then that my time with her would be so limited... I remember leaving my aunt's house to head out of town. My mom was standing on her deck watching me as I got into my pick-up to drive away. There was this sad, ominous  look on her face that is forever imprinted in my mind. Two months later she called with the news that her cancer was back (she'd been clear for 16 years) and metastasized.

The letter is typed on blue paper (I think it's the only thing she ever sent me typed) and signed "Love you enormously, Mom" at the bottom in blue ink. Her words were supportive and loving. I sobbed in the garage for a while after I found it. Guilt. Anger. Sadness.

I long to truly know my mother. Everything changed when I had children myself. I think about her constantly. There are so many things I want to talk to her about. There are so many things I feel like I understand about her now. I wish I could share them with her.

I wonder why she pushed me to be fiercely independent so soon. I know that I was challenging. I can see myself in my own children, and after spending my days with a sensitive, intense, argumentative preschooler, I understand how hard it is. But I grieve the fact that we didn't have a closer relationship when I was young. I wish she had held me tight more often and told me that I was okay.

She did the best she could at the time, and I don't blame her. It is so hard to be a mom.
I always knew she loved me.

I'm just really feeling the loss.

I know...I have to be 'grateful for the time we had together' etc., etc.... but you know what? sometimes I NEED to feel the loss--deep  in my bones and in the hollow of my throat. Sometimes I want to wail like a banshee and then curl up on her lap and let her rub my head. Sometimes I just want my mom.

Thanks for listening...
xo

Finn is Four. and where am I?

I can, indeed, believe that it's been a month since I've visited the good life here in cyberworld. I've been an on an unintentional hiatus, otherwise consumed with the good life off-screen, engaged in activities like finding mold in our rental and staying temporarily at our in-laws. Yes, mold. yuck. A couple of dear family members have passed away after tough battles with the big 'C'.

I was diagnosed with complete 'adrenal burnout' and told to stop running (not that I was doing much of that) and to start lying down flat as much as possible during the day! Ha! (It feels reeeallly good to do it...but nearly impossible to do more than once a day with two crazy boys). I'm supposed to pretend I'm on perpetual vacation, stop eating all fruit and forms of sugar, eat meat at every meal, and re-mineralize myself. More on that later.

In the middle of it all, my sweet little bull, Finn, turned four! I can hardly believe it. He's still challenging as ever, but also hilarious. Here are some moments I did manage to capture....

 Fish cake-- Finn's choice. Template from Martha. I've never made a meringue butter-cream before and also never used turmeric to dye frosting-- so that was super fun. The cake is my tried and tested Vanilla bean cake  (grain free) from Kelly at The Spunky Coconut.

He had a bit of "Too Much Birthday" (Berenstein Bears reference)-- The poor guy was exhausted.

Finn's 95 year old great-grandmother (J's grandma) and his second cousin made it!

My cousin's lovely children showing off their party tattoos.

After a few good nights' sleep, Finn was back in action....(after 10 REALLY tough days!).

 Four just sounds too old. I had such a good cuddle with him tonight before bed. He was cracking me up talking about his 'bones'....pointing to various parts of his body, "This is a bone, right here. Elbow?! That's not a bone!"...etc. Too cute. It's so fun to see him learning this stuff and being thoroughly fascinated by it.

Look Ma, No Kids! (a weekend getaway)

Guess what? In celebration of our 6th anniversary, we went away for TWO WHOLE NIGHTS to San Francisco. We actually left the li'l ones for 57 hours to be exact. It was the first time Jason and I have been away for two nights alone since before Finn was born! And we've never left B. The verdict? Easy. (Thanks to awesome grandparents.) They even got B almost sleeping through the night. I could have stayed one more night, if allowed.

Thanks to Blake's recommendations, we had some killer food and an amazingly fun-filled, sun-shining Saturday (I think she was responsible for the sun too).

We arrived late on Friday. We live way out in the boonies, so I had to cram in a quick H&M trip on the way down. It wasn't very enjoyable since neither Jason nor I are skilled shoppers, but it was necessary. After sitting in horrendous traffic, we checked in to the Ocean Park Motel in the Sunset District (we even had a kitchen!) and went for dinner at B Star Bar-- a spawn of Burma Superstar without the 1.5 hour wait (Desi's recommendation).  Lamb curry and a yummy gingery cocktail for me.

 Saturday morning sunshine and walk on the beach...

Followed by brunch (since I wasn't able to get dinner reservations!) at Bar Tartine in the Mission. Delicious. My eggs benedict was overcooked, but overall tasty. And they have so many fermented foods! I had a lemon ginger water kefir that was awesome. Jason's meal was off the hook-- blood sausage, fried egg and stewed sauerkraut.

We hopped back on the Muni and made it in time for the tail end of the Farmers' Market at the Ferry Building. I had the best greek style tart frozen yogurt ever! And we tasted goat milk products--mostly cheese and ice cream. Oh-- and even a gluten free baguette that didn't suck. We brought that back to the hotel with some other goodies to eat after taking a nap. Yes, I had a nap!

wild shrooms. j has foraged for these and we sold them in the city in years past...

(trying to get a shot of the cute dress my mother-in-law gave me, but I am a HORRIBLE model.)

Late afternoon-- we headed to the Presidio (along with a third of the city's population)-- but found a cool hike  that wasn't crowded from Baker beach to the Golden Gate bridge (we quickly passed by some interesting nude sunbathers).

By chance, we found a perfect bite to eat at "Q" (falling-off-the-bone duck confit and fried polenta)-- before our 9pm Wonderfoot appointment. Yes--Wonderfoot. 70 minutes of foot reflexology (Chinese style) and a 'back massage'. It was a good one--not nearly as good as the Happy Buddha in San Diego, but it was Jason's first time, so it was fun regardless. 

That's it! I would have loved to do more-- see friends, go to museums...but alas, we had to hit Trader Joe's, Target and Costco before returning to the mountains. 

I would love to be able to do this more often...

xo

"Wake up and smell the Nescafe"--(Caballo Blanco Part 3)

Jay & Caballo in Batopilas

Perhaps it's the fact that I did come down with the flu last week and I'm STILL not over it... but I can't seem to motivate to finish my Caballo story (part 1, part 2). ... I've been cooped up with sick people for 10 days now. I need sun and healing.  Please. Sun & healing.

However, I can't let it go completely, so here's the mediocre wrap up:

• We descend to Batopilas and never find the goat herder. 50+ miles in 3 days, complete!
• We hang out there for 2 or 3 days because the bus out of town only comes a couple times a week.Yummy food, relaxation, Tecate, Nescafe (the stuff is everywhere in mountains of Mexico. Caballo's phrase, "Wake up and smell the Nescafe..." You have to load it with cream and sugar and think of it as a different drink altogether.)  
• Batopilas is super interesting--an old mining town from the 17th century. Oldest hydroplant in north america? I think so. Incredibly remote.
• Finally we decide to hitchhike out. We catch a ride on the scariest road ever in the back of a bread truck. I think we took turns riding up front because I don't remember being in a windowless vehicle-- it's a 5+ hour trip.

This quick video of motorcycles driving down to Batopilas will give you the idea (yikes!):

• Spend a night in Creel at a hostel. The next day, I have to ask for money to get Odin on the train to get back to my town in the south...some kind tourists offer. Jay & Caballo already headed north to Chihuahua.

• I get THE WORST food poisoning within 20 minutes of eating chile rellenos at the train stop in Divisadero. OUCH. Sick for 5 days. I mean seriously sick. I probably still have parasites.

And so concludes my brush with the legendary Caballo Blanco. I feel honored to have tagged along on the best hike of my life with this inspiring, unique, kind man. May he rest in peace.

now please: SUN and HEALING!

Run Free. Caballo Blanco, Part 2

If I were to be remembered for anything at all, I would want that to be that I am/was authentic. Run Free!  --Micah True

Here is a memorial to Caballo written by the author of Born to Run. (Christopher McDougall)

Finally, I am getting to Part 2! If you missed part one, here it is. 

Day Two: about 8 miles. We set out after breakfast at Mama Tita's. Our 'easy' day didn't feel easy because it was straight up a steep trail and oh, how my feet ached.*  Caballo told so many stories but I just can't pull them out of my dusty brain files. I wrote down a list of notes in my journal (things like: El Pelón, and Talise: robbed by a kid with a rock, and another: Presidente offering weed to caballo). My 28 year old mind was positive that I'd remember the references--ha!  Some worked, some didn't.

Afternoon downpours during the summer in the canyons brightened the already lush landscape and left rainbows spanning the skies. It began to rain as we climbed up toward Los Alisos, but it was nothing traumatic. In fact, I think it felt good--after all, it was August and the temperature was in the high 90s...HOT & humid.

Our destination, Los Alisos, is a homestead up the other side of the Urique Canyon. The land is owned by the same couple who owns El Paraiso, but another family caretakes the property. We slept on the floor of a small structure, I used my flat bed sheet because my sleeping bag had been stolen from my truck when I lived in Hermosillo. The weather was so warm, it didn't matter. I'd been camping like that for almost a year.  We were given generous hospitality from the kind family. Their home was humble yet immaculate, the dirt floors swept to perfection. 

Los Alisos. (I wish I had decent camera with me...or took more photos)

In the early morning,  mist  settled in the coffee grove and hovered magically over the cornfield. Vibrant crops and purple flowers were all around. We drank strong cowboy style café tostada (homegrown coffee beans roasted over a fire on a an old tractor disc that's pounded into a wok-like shape), ate something, and then set off for our toughest day:

Day 3: 25+ miles up, up, up and then down down down into the Batopilas Canyon. 

We were spread out on the trail as the sun beat down on the most exposed section of our ascent. Caballo led the way followed by Jay then Odin and me. You forgot O-dog was there, didn't you? . Caballo sang a tune, "Odin is a good dog...." Odin ran back and forth between me and Jay--keeping the pack together. 

A happy O-dog (before The Incident)

Caballo told stories about getting off trail and inadvertantly wandering onto marijuana crops and being faced with machine guns-- I can't remember if this happened to him or other people-- but the take-home message was that you must have a guide when hiking between Urique and Batopilas. 

As we descended into Batopilas canyon, we saw a man with a pack of goats and herding dog far below us. Odin took off.  The next thing we could see was the herd dog and my sweet dog Odin running together after a baby goat and then we heard screams echoing through the canyon. Yes. they killed a baby goat! The herding dog had turned on his own goats! We were too far away to get there quickly and by the time we descended, Odin found us, but there was no sign of the herder. I felt terrible! Embarassed. Horrified. Caballo felt awful too and said that we could find out who he was in Batopilas and pay him for the goat. Yes, we must find him.

To be continued (again)...**
Here is a bit of the endurance trail running advice that Caballo gave McDougall in Born to Run:

"Don’t fight the trail. Take what it gives you,” he began. “Lesson two – think easy, light, smooth and fast. You start with easy, because if that’s all you get, that’s not so bad. Then work on light. Make it effortless, like you don’t [care] how high the hill is or how far you’ve got to go.
“When you’ve practiced that so long that you forget you’re practicing, you work on making it smooooooth. You won’t have to worry about the last one – you get those three, and you’ll be fast.”

Next up:  We spend a few days in Batopilas, catch a ride up the scariest road ever in the back of a bread truck, and I contract the worst food poisoning EVER.

Until then...run free.
xo


*Urique is the deepest canyon in North America, by the way.
**I'm being too wordy, I know...but I just want to get most of it down! And I can't seem to find a large enough block of time to write. All of the males in my house were sick with fevers this week and while I seem to have avoided the illness, I haven't exactly had much 'free' time. (I did manage to actually run this week, so it couldn't have been that bad..)

Top image credit.