Burning Question: What's one dumb thing you used to believe?

"The Burning question" is an interactive exercise that Danielle (of White Hot Truth) started. She creates a weekly question, answers it, and then invites you to do the same.
Here's this week's edition:
What's one dumb thing you used to believe?

One dumb thing that I used to believe is that my self-worth is judged by what I achieve and (more importantly) how those achievements are perceived by other people.

Actually, I still have a hard time letting go of this even as I write it. It is a well worn brain path: that if I can prove to OTHERS that I am actually worthy of their admiration then I will become worthy of their admiration. There, I said it. Out loud. I catch myself with this all of the time; I think: I can change what people think about me by doing something to make them think differently of me. If I just prove to them that I am good at This. That or The other thing, then they will certainly see that I am worthy of their love.

*Sigh.*
So sad. Poor little 7-year-old Colleen trying to prove to her mom that she really is a good girl and not as difficult as she comes across....

I've let this go (and certainly forgive my mom) but it's a tough one. I spent many years being successful at convincing people that I am worthy. I became convinced that my self- worth was tied in to these successes. Newsflash: if you have success with your flawed thinking it may take longer to see that your thinking is flawed! Fortunately, I am such a crazy-sensitive being with a heavy dose of intuition that my inner struggle was apparent early on.

Now I can laugh at it and be grateful that I am aware.

I do love this journey called life. And thankfully,  I learned that love of life from my mom.  I wish I could cuddle up with her right now.

How about you? what's one dumb thing you used to believe?

Love Fest

I know, Valentine's Day is over and done with, but I was holding out  until I could find time to take photos of my raw cacao yummy Valentine's treats. Guess what? We ate them all. That gives me an excuse to make more next week so that I can post the recipes. (They're decadent & healthy, I swear!).

Finn's abstract hearts. He loves to mix colors!

I've always thought V day was a bit of a joke, but now that I have two little ones around, I LOVE it. Seriously. How fun is it to talk about love? And I'm also serious about how much I  love making hearts and valentine's. And now I love origami too. Check out those sweet love boats! I followed a video to make the boat with two sails and I kept laughing...thinking about that Little Caesar's commercial from when I was a kid: "..A Pterodactyl!" Anyone remember?

J made the one on the right for me. Finn made the little heart stamps with a toilet paper roll 
dipped in paint. We went nuts with the Target dollar bin alphabet stickers for all of
his little preschool buddies.

More Love: We are having a good week over here in boy land. Finn has been loving his brother more than not, which is a bonus for everyone. There have been so many adorable brother hugs, but I can't seem to pull out my camera to catch one in time.

 

And Bobolicious is just delicious. The sweatshirt in the photo below cracks me up (a gift from Desi when Finn was a babe). I never dress B in it because I feel too badly, but Jason put him in it the other day. These boys fight over my lap space and I usually have the little one attached to my breast while the big one twirls my hair in the morning. Of course it is so sweet and precious if they're not pushing each other and whining....And if I'm finding enough time for my own personal space! Hell, I'm not complaining. 

There's lots of love going around. 

I hope you're feeling some love these days too.

P.S. Here's the commercial... Enjoy! xo

Burning Question: How do you want it all to feel?

From the archives... with Desi.

"The Burning question" is an interactive exercise that Danielle (of White Hot Truth) started. She creates a question, answers it, and then invites you to do the same.

The first one:  How do you want it all to feel?  was so much fun to do. In her words:
"Feelings are magnetic. So it goes that if you generate certain feelings — and you have the power to create any feeling you desire — then you increase the power of your emotional magnetism. But we need to limber up, loosen the images and adjectives encrusted on our goals and most-desired states. It helps to get poetic, lyrical, and abstract. Go there with me."
  
Here it goes: 

I want my home to feel like cinnamon and hot chocolate in a Morrocan patterned teacup with a hint of cayenne.
I want my friendships to feel like eating watermelon and spitting out the seeds or like riding a bike downhill with the wind blowing through my hair.
I want kissing to feel like music.
I want my day to feel like walking through a shop of curiosities and taking all the time I want.
I want my body to feel like a ninja with soft skin.
I want my nervous system to feel like soaking in a hot spring in the winter desert at sunrise.
I want my money making to feel like an ocean view and lying on warm sand.
I want my success to feel like a fantastic piece of art and dancing with my kids to a favorite song.
I want my bed to feel like post- massage or yoga bliss
I want parenting to feel like hiking a winding mountain trail in springtime.
I want my laughter to feel like a cup of ginger tea with honey and lemon.
I want my love to feel like a tall tree bursting with color and swaying in the breeze.
I want my smile to feel like a sparkling string of lights at night.
I want my neighborhood to feel like a potluck dinner and a busy, funky cafe.
I want my challenges to feel like climbing trees.
I want my ideas to feel like a baby with rosy cheeks, bright eyes and a cute, round bottom or like cutting open a perfect avocado and scooping out the deliciousness.
I want my teaching to feel like jumping in the ocean for a swim or like finding a fresh mountain spring.
I want the end of my day to feel like lying under a tree and looking up at the breathing crown of leaves.

 Wanna do it too? Include a couple of your desired states in the comments if you'd like. I'd love to hear what you want.
Here's to a beautiful day...

--Colleen

What you practice is what you have. (a declaration of liberation)

 I finally decided that enough was enough. I will not postpone happiness until life is less stressful.  Anxiety will no longer  trump my peace card.

I am finished focusing on 'self improvement' and giving power to the critical voices in my head. Trying to be 'better' at EVERYTHING is exhausting. It doesn't work. It's not like I'll reach a certain point and finally satisfy the voice that tells me "You can do BETTER!" Because there is always somewhere to go.

Instead, I will practice feeling like I have already arrived at 'Better'. Instead of practicing being self-critical and overwhelmed, I will practice letting those thoughts pass by and directing my attention to my body, to what is happening in the moment.

These trees remind me to stop.

I picked up another book of Cheri Huber's: What You Practice is What You Have, in the same week as Desi directed me to Danielle LaPorte's website: White Hot Truth. The similarities between the messages of these two teachers (one a Zen monk and the other an inspiring entrepreneurial coach) was synchronistic for me.

They are saying the same thing:

"Self improvement infers there’s something wrong with you, so you’re already starting off with a disadvantage.
Of course there’s something to improve — always will be, life is an evolutionary equation. But liberation is about consciously choosing your perspectives, moment to moment, so let’s choose viewpoints that are advantageous and give us warm fuzzy, encouraging feelings."
--Danielle LaPorte, "Why Self Improvement Makes You Neurotic", White Hot Truth

I am all for liberation. In fact, I am practicing liberation right now.

What are you practicing?

Goodbye sweet dog.

A couple of months ago I wrote A Letter to Mr. O.--my tribute to an amazing creature. I knew he would die soon and I was having such a hard time deciding when/if I should have him euthanized. I definitely didn't want him to suffer, but it's a strange thing deciding when another being should die. He got to the point where we had to hold him up to eat and drink. It was time. I watched him take his last breath and was again struck by the strangeness of death and the miracle of living. In the words of Temple Grandin: Where do they go?

I feel so honored to have shared time with Odin. He lived almost 16 years and was incredibly healthy for most of his life. He was always there with me, in the moment. My guru.

I don't feel quite myself without him close by.

I'll miss you sweet dog.

at 6 months-- just a baby!

Scootin' to happiness.

Oh my. It has been a rough couple of weeks. The joyful three year old you see pictured above is not always so joyful. J has been working nonstop and although I have always known that I need time alone, never has it been so absolutely clear that damnit I NEED SOME TIME ALONE! PLEASE! Like in a sauna, or on a beach.

I practically cried (well actually I did cry, I should say that I practically broke down completely) last week when my double, jog style stroller got two flats and I couldn't go for a long walk. Fortunately I have a back up stroller that seats one baby and as you can see, I have a mighty talented scooter ridin' boy, so we made it out of the house. And even though we need rain and snow, the sun was such a gift last week. There's nothing like sunshine on my face to brighten things up.

I was my own worst enemy, trying to do it all and beating myself up for not adhering to all of the suggestions in the perfect parenting books and blogs. Then I read this post and laughed so hard. Damn did that feel good. She is FUNNY. Sometimes I just need a change in perspective. Scootin' with Finn is always good for that.

Book Notes: *Poser, my life in twenty-three yoga poses* by Claire Dederer

This is not a yoga book. It's not a book that preaches about being present or 'just breathing'.  It is a memoir that made me laugh out loud and also made me seriously reflect on some of my own crap. Claire is a new mom in her 30s who starts to do yoga. She is plagued by her own perfectionism and this is the story of how she begins to let it go.

She is irreverent to the whole yoga thing (which I love).  In one scene, Claire has just walked into her second yoga class (she is skeptical). Enter: the teacher:
"I am Atosa," she said. Like hell you are, sister.

Descriptions of the over-educated mom trying to make all of the right choices really hit home with me. Breastfeeding, making her own baby food (organic, of course), choosing the 'right' preschool. These things were the 'rules' of Claire's liberal neighborhood in Seattle.
Our goodness was driven by an underlying terror: What if we stopped?....There was trouble lurking at the edge of my effort; all I could do was everything, and do it right.

  This made me ask myself, "What would happen if I stopped being 'good'?" Hmmmm. Am I putting too much pressure on myself? Let me rephrase that. I mean, I know that I'm putting too much pressure on myself... to parent correctly, 'wife' correctly, create correctly, career correctly....but is it because of fear? It sounds almost ridiculous. OF COURSE it's because of fear, right? What else could it be?

It reminded me of what a well-intentioned therapist, Steve, once said to me when I was talking about the pressures I was putting on myself at work (teaching at a charter school): What would happen if you were just 'good enough'? 

I realized that 'good enough' made me uncomfortable. How could I do that? I must do the absolute best job that I can at all times or..... or what? I couldn't even fathom it. I couldn't imagine not putting in my best effort at work. It was black or white for me. Either I would be doing the best job or I would be a crappy teacher. There was no in between. No balance. Insanity. I never thought I was a perfectionist because I don't care too much about getting all the lines straight or the 'i's dotted. I am more free-form. I'm big picture, not details. I didn't realize that there are many ways to be a perfectionist.

But enough about me and my analysis paralysis.

Back to the book. I loved it. When I finish up the biography of Steve Jobs (a much more intense perfectionist) I might just have to read it again.